NUTRITION FREE FOOD - STOP THE INSANITY!

The typical American knowingly buys 'foods' that have no nutritional value. Examples: zero-calorie sodas (news flash: sugar is an essential nutrient), light beer (more news: wheat, barley, rice, water, hops are all foods), sugar-free candies, fat-free this or that, meat-free burgers, etc. And then we go out and buy gallon jugs of 'protein supplement' powders, energy drinks, and so on.

Why does our personal budget contain money for foods that lack discernible nutrition? Because we enjoy putting stuff into our mouths. Why are there fat people? You know, those who have 'glandular' or 'metabolic' problems. Another news flash: everything in that spare tire around our flabby waists first passed through our mouths. So is the answer buying nutrition-free foods? No. The answer is to save the money we'd spend on those foods, and instead eat good food, but only as much as our bodies actually need.

How do we know how much we need, you ask? It's simple thermodynamics. Running a body's machinery for an average day requires a certain amount of fuel, measured in calories. Any good calorie calculator will tell us how much we need. Then all we'll need is some way to count calories as we eat, so we'll know when to stop eating every day. So now we have the tools and the knowledge. What else do we need?

Will power. There's no web page for that. We either have it and can exercise it, or we don't. Our friends, neighbors, families, and anyone who sees us knows whether we have it or not. And so do we.

Remember: we can't pack on what doesn't go into our mouths. Forget excuses like genetics, glands, metabolism, blah blah blah. If it doesn't go into our mouths, it won't show up on our thighs. Simple as that.

And that's your Ostrich Killer's public service blog for the day. Hope you found it boring and unneeded.

How to Slim Down a Population

We hear day in and day out how fat we're getting to be as a society. No one seems to have any idea how to prevent that.

Your friendly Ostrich Killer to the rescue!

Here's my plan: At every entrance to every food store or restaurant in America, we place a 'price factor' machine. Here's how it would work: there would be a scale and a vertical ruler. The customer would enter through this machine and be automatically weighed and measured. Depending on his / her weight compared to a healthy norm, he / she would be issued a 'factor' tag. Then they would shop.

At the checkout counter, when their purchases have been rung up they would surrender their 'factor' tag to the checkout person. The factor would be multiplied against the total price rung up.

For example, let's say your Ostrich Killer got a 'factor' tag value of 1.1. At the checkout counter my purchases ring up to $10. I surrender the tag; multiplying $10 times 1.1, my cost would be $11. Or if I had a 'factor' tag value of 1.5, my cost would be $15.

So the fat would be able to afford less food. The skinny would be able to afford more food. Who loses?

Okay, I know. Too simple. So I'm going back to sleep.