THE BRISTOL PALIN DWTS PHENOM

Most of you probably don't care what happens on DWTS (Dancing With The Stars.) But for those of you who do care, allow your Ostrich Killer a few lines to philosophize.

Bristol Palin - Sarah's daughter - is no dancer. Oh, she'd be fine in a social setting dancing the latest steps, or in even more formal settings doing ballroom dancing. But professionally? No. And this is no insult. I'm sure even her most ardent fans would agree, as would she and her mother.

So why is she in the finals? Well, it's not because the judges gave her high marks. Week in, week out she reliably pulled down the lowest scores from the judges. But the call-in voters have saved her every time.

This proves that DWTS is not actually a dancing talent competition, something I believe I mentioned in an earlier blog entry about a year ago. No, DWST has a talent component, but the viewers can, and in Bristol's case did, make it a popularity contest.

That's unfortunate. It's good for ratings, of course, which the show is REALLY about, but it doesn't do the reputation of televised dance competitions much good.

Tonight Bristol has an opportunity to do something spectacular and brilliantly sportsmanlike: resign from the competition. Here's what she might say as she and her partner take the floor for their first dance tonight:

"I want to thank all the viewers who have voted for me over the weeks. It is both humbling and wonderful to have experienced all that I have experienced since coming on DWTS. But everyone knows I am not a skilled dancer, and this is a dance competition. So with my thanks and gratitude to all of you, and the staff of this show, and the judges who so patiently gave me advice through the weeks, I resign this competition. When my partner and I have finished our dance, we will retire to the competitor's lounge to await the outcome of the final dances and voting. I urge all my fans and everyone else who plans to vote to vote for the most skilled dancer. The name of this show is, after all, Dancing With The Stars. Thank you all."

MORE AIRPORT SCREENING TECHNOLOGY SUGGESTIONS

So the TSA admits that the peep-show scanners and in-your-pants and bras feel-ups can only detect stuff on the outside of our bodies - in fact, they moan and wring their hands about this obvious shortcoming.

Your Ostrich Killer suggests this is not an insurmountable problem. Here are some suggestions, all of which I'm sure our Dept of Homeland Harassment has on their table for consideration:

1. Full body x-rays complete w/ lots of radiation exposure.

2. Cavity sniffers - devices that are forced into all body cavities to do video tours and 'sample' the air in there. Tip to TSA inspectors: don't get confused about which sniffer goes in which cavity. Tip to virgins: if you travel, it won't be long before you won't be able to prove you've been a good girl.

3. In the name of 'safety,' elimination of all public air travel. Only bureaucrats and military would be able to fly. The rest of us would have to travel on the surface. (Note: their current intrusive searches are taking us in this direction already.)

4. Gastric lavage - otherwise called 'stomach pumping' - to see what, if any, potential toxins or explosives may have been ingested very recently.

5. Spectroscopic analysis of your toe jam to see if it is, in fact, toe jam or if it's C-4.

6. Those streaks in your underwear? Spectroscopic analysis . . .

7. Air travel uniforms - specific uniforms that must be worn by all travelers, that will react with visible color changes wherever suspicious chemicals or vapors touch it. Check in for your flight, adjourn to a changing room, get into your travel uniform in much the same way that a surgeon gets into his / her greens.

8. Need I say 'barefoot' from check in to baggage claim?

9. Genetic profiling - if apparently middle eastern, be EXCLUDED from 'random' scrutiny so that no charge of islamic profiling can be levied.

10. Chemical testing of bodily discharges to determine whether on not you're peeing or crapping anything incriminating. Note to future TSA employees: if you're looking for a s___ty job, this one is right up your alley.

TSA PEEP SHOWS AND BODY FEEL-UPS GOOD FOR BUSINESS

Yes, your Ostrich Killer guy has probably lost his marbles by thinking these feel-ups and peep shows are good for business, but I predict they are: good for AMTRAK, good for bus lines. Look for a resurrection in the snoring rate of manufacture of long-range touring / travel buses (Greyhound and Trailways), good for any business that provides other ways of getting to places in the Lower 48.

But what about international travel? There are ships . . .

Saw: a picture on Drudge a day or so ago, of a nun being felt up. Caption? "The Terrorists Have Won."

Learned: once you get in line to go through the pre-screening, you are not allowed BY LAW to change your mind. You must go through the pre-screening. Otherwise, like that fellow John Tyner who recorded his refusal to allow feel-up searching, the long arm of the TSA will reach out and prosecute you and fine you a few tens of thousands of dollars. So submit, you sheeple!

Decided: I like road trips and other surface travel more than being forced to show off the goodies.