MORE AIRPORT SCREENING TECHNOLOGY SUGGESTIONS

So the TSA admits that the peep-show scanners and in-your-pants and bras feel-ups can only detect stuff on the outside of our bodies - in fact, they moan and wring their hands about this obvious shortcoming.

Your Ostrich Killer suggests this is not an insurmountable problem. Here are some suggestions, all of which I'm sure our Dept of Homeland Harassment has on their table for consideration:

1. Full body x-rays complete w/ lots of radiation exposure.

2. Cavity sniffers - devices that are forced into all body cavities to do video tours and 'sample' the air in there. Tip to TSA inspectors: don't get confused about which sniffer goes in which cavity. Tip to virgins: if you travel, it won't be long before you won't be able to prove you've been a good girl.

3. In the name of 'safety,' elimination of all public air travel. Only bureaucrats and military would be able to fly. The rest of us would have to travel on the surface. (Note: their current intrusive searches are taking us in this direction already.)

4. Gastric lavage - otherwise called 'stomach pumping' - to see what, if any, potential toxins or explosives may have been ingested very recently.

5. Spectroscopic analysis of your toe jam to see if it is, in fact, toe jam or if it's C-4.

6. Those streaks in your underwear? Spectroscopic analysis . . .

7. Air travel uniforms - specific uniforms that must be worn by all travelers, that will react with visible color changes wherever suspicious chemicals or vapors touch it. Check in for your flight, adjourn to a changing room, get into your travel uniform in much the same way that a surgeon gets into his / her greens.

8. Need I say 'barefoot' from check in to baggage claim?

9. Genetic profiling - if apparently middle eastern, be EXCLUDED from 'random' scrutiny so that no charge of islamic profiling can be levied.

10. Chemical testing of bodily discharges to determine whether on not you're peeing or crapping anything incriminating. Note to future TSA employees: if you're looking for a s___ty job, this one is right up your alley.