THE BRISTOL PALIN DWTS PHENOM

Most of you probably don't care what happens on DWTS (Dancing With The Stars.) But for those of you who do care, allow your Ostrich Killer a few lines to philosophize.

Bristol Palin - Sarah's daughter - is no dancer. Oh, she'd be fine in a social setting dancing the latest steps, or in even more formal settings doing ballroom dancing. But professionally? No. And this is no insult. I'm sure even her most ardent fans would agree, as would she and her mother.

So why is she in the finals? Well, it's not because the judges gave her high marks. Week in, week out she reliably pulled down the lowest scores from the judges. But the call-in voters have saved her every time.

This proves that DWTS is not actually a dancing talent competition, something I believe I mentioned in an earlier blog entry about a year ago. No, DWST has a talent component, but the viewers can, and in Bristol's case did, make it a popularity contest.

That's unfortunate. It's good for ratings, of course, which the show is REALLY about, but it doesn't do the reputation of televised dance competitions much good.

Tonight Bristol has an opportunity to do something spectacular and brilliantly sportsmanlike: resign from the competition. Here's what she might say as she and her partner take the floor for their first dance tonight:

"I want to thank all the viewers who have voted for me over the weeks. It is both humbling and wonderful to have experienced all that I have experienced since coming on DWTS. But everyone knows I am not a skilled dancer, and this is a dance competition. So with my thanks and gratitude to all of you, and the staff of this show, and the judges who so patiently gave me advice through the weeks, I resign this competition. When my partner and I have finished our dance, we will retire to the competitor's lounge to await the outcome of the final dances and voting. I urge all my fans and everyone else who plans to vote to vote for the most skilled dancer. The name of this show is, after all, Dancing With The Stars. Thank you all."

DWTS - A WAY TO SELL ADVERTISING, NOT A TALENT COMPETITION

In case some of you might have misunderstood the show, it's not a serious dance contest. It's only partly about talent - dancing talent, that is - and that part is provided by the panel of judges who mostly get it right. The other, apparently far larger part is just a popularity contest fueled by viewers calling in to vote for their favorites. Even Dumbo the Flying Elephant would make the cuts, if kids called in. And this has happened with other talent-challenged pop culture figures (many of them plus sizes, or far too old to be agile). One only has to look at who makes the cuts to figure this out.

And please spare me any complaints about my fatism-ageism comments. They are simply reality: fat, out of condition past their primes people have no business pretending to be dancers. They should be marketing their personal brands of low-calorie popcorn or AARP insurance, or something.

As much as your Ostrich Killer likes to watch some of these shows, he has decided to stop watching DWTS until and unless talent is the sole criteria. That is the only fair way - fairest to viewers who tune in to watch what are often incredible dance routines, fairest to the dancers who work very hard to put on the best show they can. It must be professionally disgusting to the judge panel to see the better dancers get eliminated week after week because they don't get as many phone calls as the Pillbury Marshmallow Man, who fell on his ass twice in one dance but who has a great smile. But hey. Judges are professionals. They get paid to judge. They do that. And then they go home and kick the dog.

Maybe there can be two categories of winners: Judge's Choice, and Viewer's Choice. Cuts would be made based solely on dancing talent (Judge's Choice), but at the end of the show there would be a second award of Viewer's Choice. Any contestant pair, no matter when they were cut, would be eligible for that award. This would show beyond any possibility of doubt that viewers don't care a whit or don't know squat about dancing talent, but so what? The judges already chose the best talent.