"Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen of the media. I'm glad you all were able to come out today and allow me to bring you up to date on my personal situation, which all of you have covered in exquisite detail, and my plans for the future. This will be a short conference, and I will not entertain questions when I am done.
"First, my personal situation: That is personal. It's between myself and my family, and between myself and the local police, who cited me for that stupid driving accident. So it's none of your business. However, I realize you don't get paid for not digging up dirt, so dig away and be damned. Publish what you will, but expect no comment from me on any of it. Why? Because - duh - it's all personal.
"Next, my plans for the future: I'm Tiger Woods. I'm the best damned golfer in the world. I win piles of money and even do a little good with it, if you'll bother to look into my philanthropic efforts. So what I'm going to do is play golf, and kick every other golfer's butts as often as I can and as convincingly as I can. I will do this no matter what the media has to say about it, because frankly I no longer give a crap what you have to say. What I have to say, I'll say with my golf clubs.
"In case you missed any of what I just said, you can pick up a transcript outside in the lobby. Good day. Don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out."
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