World Cup Soccer Rule Changes

It's All About Player Safety

Now that the World Cup is in the quarterfinal stages, it might be time to look at some ways to improve safety for players.

Scarcely a minute goes by without a player falling to the turf clutching at himself, his face twisted into paroxysms of agony at some brutal injury or other.  This sometimes results in a free kick.  Usually that player's insensitive coach will leave the injured player in the game to carry on as best he can.

What other sport allows their players to prance about in beach attire and risk injury like soccer does?  What other sport requires players who've been grievously injured as these players apparently are, to continue playing?  None, that's what.  Not ice hockey.  Not American football, certainly.  

So your Ostrich Killer, in the hopes that his suggestions will save at least one soccer player a serious injury, proposes a few minor changes.

1.  First, there are many violent collisions.  These are dangerous.  Hockey and American football players know this, which is why they wear the equipment they wear.  So soccer players should do the same - a hockey type helmet with a faceplate to reduce the chances of concussion and fingers in the eyes.  Padding about the shoulders and thighs and rib cage and hips would be also be prudent minimums.  For more ideas on player protection, FIFA might consider consulting the Pussification Committee of the NFL.

2.  Some rule changes would help reduce the number of players being so brutally knocked to the ground.  
  A.  A player who does not rejoin play within 10 seconds after hitting the ground for any reason would be required to leave the match.  His team could replace him, but that player will not be allowed back into the match, so that medical staff can have sufficient time to do a thorough exam to determine the extent of his injuries.
  B.  A player receiving a yellow card will be required to leave the match, but can be replaced.  A red carded player will still be required to leave the match without replacement.
  C.  Any team receiving two red cards during a match will forfeit the match and suffer other penalties as the league may deem appropriate.
Again, other rule changes may benefit the players, and the NFL Pussification Committee could be a valuable resource for suggestions.

Yes, it grieves your Ostrich Killer to see the awful mayhem, the agonies so apparent on the faces of the injured, and he hopes that FIFA and other controlling bodies will adopt his modest proposals.  After all, it's for the good of the players.

Coffee calls.