STORIES IN THE NEWS AND QUESTIONS
1. Michael Sam
The Dallas Cowboys picked him up and put him on their practice squad. Why? Yes, it is true that the Cowboys are bereft of talent. But there are dozens or even hundreds of released players who could have been chosen for that same position. Why Sam? Unpleasant rumors abound that the NFL brought discreet pressure to bear for SOMEONE to pick him up. If so, why? Your Ostrich Killer has a possible answer - and it is one word: pandering. Your Ostrich Killer has another question: what incentives were offered to the team that picked him up, if in fact the NFL did bring pressure to bear? Your Ostrich Killer hopes these rumors are unfounded and that Sam made the squad on his merits, but it will take someone more credible than the NFL's disgraced commissioner or hired mouthpieces to convince me that the NFL is NOT engaging in player selection and social engineering, neither of which is appropriate.
2. Ray Rice
The NFL knew. They were dragged kicking and screaming to doing the right thing after the rest of the world saw the video and left them no other choice. Ditto the Ravens. So now not only Rice, but his wife - his fiancee in the video, who forgave him and married him afterward - are being severely punished. Part of your Ostrich Killer cynically thinks that she is being punished as severely as he is. Isn't she? The NFL has reached a low.
3. Ray McDonald
Felony domestic violence against his pregnant fiancee. 49ers say they will allow him to play until the legal system makes it impossible to play him. The DA has not announced whether or not there will be charges. Don't expect any announcement to come soon; this is a situation where it pays to drag the legal feet, if you're a 49er fan. Not saying the DA is such a fan, but I'm saying this decision seems to be taking an inordinate amount of time, and one cannot help but wonder why. How is McDonald different than Ray Rice? McDonald has not been convicted in a court of law like Rice was. Again, the NFL is SILENT and not smelling like a rose here. And Hey Jim - show some character and don't play him.
4. Drug Rules
This is easy, so I'll write it for the NFL: Any federally illegal substance found during testing will result in immediate suspension for the next eight games, no matter how high or low the concentration. Second offenses will result in automatic suspension for rest of the calendar year and the following full season including playoffs. Other specified 'federally legal' substances (such as HGH) are also prohibited and violation penalties are the same as the illegal substance punishments. Don't like this rule? Then as a player, don't sign the collective bargaining agreement. Go sell used cars in Washington state instead, the standards are lower there.
This sort of rule will help set an example worthy for children to emulate. Note to NFL players: watch who you hang out with. Second-hand or 'spiked' anything will not be an excuse.
Really, NFL. Remember that kids are watching. Get the sport clean, keep it clean, set a shining example and boot the assholes out of it.
Third cup of coffee is ready now. Out here. You're welcome.
A Man's Sport In Decline
During a pre-season game a few days ago your Ostrich Killer observed with surprise that one of the officials had tucked a pony tail up beneath the official's hat. His surprise increased when he discovered that the official was a female. He immediately wondered what every other red-blooded male wondered: how many snaps has she taken under center? How many runs up the middle has she made? How many downfield blocks has she thrown? How many times has she been sacked?
Then your Ostrich Killer wondered if part of the qualification criteria for any NFL official candidate includes a personal history of having played football for a few years in order to have a player's insights into the game. I don't know the answer to that, but if officials are NOT required to have played football, then of course there's no reason - other than the mothering / nurturing instinct - a female could not be such an official. A game being regulated by officials who've never played the game has obvious issues.
Which brings us to another topic: the Richard Sherman Nullification order coming out of the NFL head office. That order is why you are seeing so many 'illegal contact' and 'holding' calls against pass defenders this pre-season. Penalties per game are up dramatically since last year's preseason - about double - and more since a handful of years ago.
I don't know about most NFL game viewers, but when your Ostrich Killer watches a game where yellow flags fall out of the sky like snowflakes he starts channel surfing. If your Ostrich Killer isn't alone in his boredom / disgust, the NFL might notice viewership numbers that don't quite reach their targets. And that would be a good thing.
One last thought: the NFL Richard Sherman Nullification order is a guaranteed first down getter for struggling offenses. Here's how it goes in the huddle: "Okay guys, we need a first down. All you receivers go out, and when you get ten yards down the field juke and swerve sneakily so that the pass defender runs into you. That'll draw an illegal contact flag against the defender, and we'll make five yards and an automatic first down. On Three!"
Your Ostrich Killer officially predicts this unless the NFL modifies its order. Watch and see. And then start channel surfing, because football is dying and it will be too painful to watch it being de-testosteroned.
It's All About Player Safety
Now that the World Cup is in the quarterfinal stages, it might be time to look at some ways to improve safety for players.
Scarcely a minute goes by without a player falling to the turf clutching at himself, his face twisted into paroxysms of agony at some brutal injury or other. This sometimes results in a free kick. Usually that player's insensitive coach will leave the injured player in the game to carry on as best he can.
What other sport allows their players to prance about in beach attire and risk injury like soccer does? What other sport requires players who've been grievously injured as these players apparently are, to continue playing? None, that's what. Not ice hockey. Not American football, certainly.
So your Ostrich Killer, in the hopes that his suggestions will save at least one soccer player a serious injury, proposes a few minor changes.
1. First, there are many violent collisions. These are dangerous. Hockey and American football players know this, which is why they wear the equipment they wear. So soccer players should do the same - a hockey type helmet with a faceplate to reduce the chances of concussion and fingers in the eyes. Padding about the shoulders and thighs and rib cage and hips would be also be prudent minimums. For more ideas on player protection, FIFA might consider consulting the Pussification Committee of the NFL.
2. Some rule changes would help reduce the number of players being so brutally knocked to the ground.
A. A player who does not rejoin play within 10 seconds after hitting the ground for any reason would be required to leave the match. His team could replace him, but that player will not be allowed back into the match, so that medical staff can have sufficient time to do a thorough exam to determine the extent of his injuries.
B. A player receiving a yellow card will be required to leave the match, but can be replaced. A red carded player will still be required to leave the match without replacement.
C. Any team receiving two red cards during a match will forfeit the match and suffer other penalties as the league may deem appropriate.
Again, other rule changes may benefit the players, and the NFL Pussification Committee could be a valuable resource for suggestions.
Yes, it grieves your Ostrich Killer to see the awful mayhem, the agonies so apparent on the faces of the injured, and he hopes that FIFA and other controlling bodies will adopt his modest proposals. After all, it's for the good of the players.
Coffee calls.
How to Reduce Injuries and Spice Up the Game
Sixty years of watching football, combined with the last few years' worth of rule changes in the name of player safety, have prompted your Ostrich Killer to come up with a few rule change suggestions. You may have some as well; send them and we'll add them to this list.
So here goes:
1. Personal Fouls (Defensive:) Any personal foul by a defensive player will result in that player being ejected for a full quarter of play, and the offense being awarded half the distance to the goal from the end of the play, point of foul, or line of scrimmage, whichever most favors the offense. In addition, the offense will be awarded an extra down: for example, if the foul happened during a second down play the offense will replay the down as First down. If the penalty results in a first down, the offense will be awarded two first down plays; the post-foul series will consist of five downs.
2. Personal Fouls (Offensive:) Any personal foul by a player on the offense will result in that player being ejected for a full quarter of play, and a yardage penalty of half the distance to their end zone measured from the point of the foul, end of the play, or the line of scrimmage, whichever most favors the defense. In addition, the offense will lose the down. For example, if the foul took place during a second down play, the next play would be a third down play.
3. Personal Fouls (multiple:) Any player committing two personal fouls during a game will be ejected from the game and suspended for the next game. Any team committing two or more personal fouls during a game will lose their coach for the remainder of the game and cause the coach to pay a $25,000 fine. The fine amount for each additional foul will be double the previous fine. For example, a team that commits 5 personal fouls in a game will cost their coach $25,000 + $50,000 + $100,000 + $200,000, or a total of $375,000. In addition, that team's JumboTron will be required to display a large yellow frowny-face and the words "Bad Coach! Bad, bad, bad!" The cheer leaders will lead the fans in a cheer of "Bad Coach! Bad, bad, bad!" Failure of the crowd to achieve a decibel level of at least 125 during this cheer will result in the award of 3 points to the offended team.
4. Surrender: Any ball carrier may surrender during a play. By signaling (signal yet to be defined) their surrender in sufficient time to allow an opposing player to avoid tackling them, the ball carrier agrees that their forward progress stops at the point where they make that signal. Any substantial avoidable hit of the ball carrier after that timely signal will result in a personal foul. To prevent 'fishing' for a foul call, if the ball carrier does not make the approved signal sufficiently in advance of being hit, and is therefore hit substantially, the ball carrier will be ejected for the remainder of the quarter. His team will be charged a loss of down and penalized 15 yards from the line of scrimmage or location of the foul, whichever most favors the defense.
5. Field Goal Point Scale: For purposes of this rule, a field goal's official distance will be measured from the line of scrimmage to the end zone. A field goal of 20 yards or less will be worth 1 point. A field goal of more than 20 yards and 35 yards or less will be worth 2 points. A field goal of greater than 35 yards will be worth 3 points.
6. Red Zone Scoring: Any team that obtains a first down in the Red Zone (20 yard line or closer) is ineligible to score by field goal. If they fail to score a touchdown, the team on defense will be awarded 3 points.
7. Legal formations: All formations before the snap are legal, so long as no player crosses the line of scrimmage until the ball is snapped.
8. Legal Motion: Before the ball is snapped, any motion is legal.
9. Men on the Field: A team may have as many men on the field as they wish until 5 seconds before the snap of the ball.
10. Play Reviews: Any official's call can be challenged, including fouls. Reviews must be completed within 120 seconds. An official who has two calls overturned during a game will be fined a game's pay and immediately replaced.
11. Points After Touchdown: A team that has scored a touchdown may score PAT (Points After Touchdown) in any of the following ways:
a. By kicking the ball through the uprights: 1 point.
b. By pass or run: 2 points.
c. By placing the ball on the 40 yard line and kicking a field goal: 3 points.
d. By placing the ball on the 30 yard line and scoring again in one run or pass play: 6 points.
Failure to score PAT will result in the award of 3 points to the defense.
12. Change of Possession scoring: Any change of possession through fumble, pass interception, or turning the ball over on downs will result in the defense being awarded 1 point.
14. Overtime: Overtime is "sudden death" with no clock. Play will continue until there is a winner. A minimum margin of 4 points or more is required to win unless both teams have completed 2 possessions. Thereafter the minimum margin for a win is 1 point.
15. Unused Down Carry-Over: Downs not used to achieve a first down will be carried over to the next series of downs. As an example, a team that achieves a first down in two plays still has two unused downs. Those unused downs can be used in the next series, effectively giving the team six plays to get their next first down. However, all carry-over is canceled upon a team achieving a first down in the red zone.
16. Quarterback Safety: The quarterback or player receiving the snap from center may not advance the ball by run beyond the line of scrimmage. Doing so will result in a 15 yard penalty, ejection from the game for a full quarter, and loss of down. In order to balance the defensive strength relative to the offense, the team on defense may field no more than 10 players.
I think that'll do for now. You can see how rules 1, 2, 3, 4, and 16 would dramatically reduce player injuries. I have many more such suggestions. You? Send your to the Ostrich Killer, and welcome to the Theater of the Absurd.
